Quit Trying to Make Google Plus Happen

Alphabet Inc (NASDAQ:GOOGL) revamped Google Plus and it still doesn't make sense

Nov 18, 2015 at 3:27 PM
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It seemed like just another day, but boy is it anything but. Just when I thought I was going to spend another evening watching reruns of The Jamie Foxx ShowAlphabet Inc (NASDAQ:GOOGL) announced it's bringing back Google Plus! Or maybe it's been here the whole time and it's just different now? It doesn't matter -- it's Google Plus! The Social Network You Signed Up For And Then Immediately Forgot Your Password For®. 

Since Alphabet is a smart company -- I mean, it's making a car that lets me eat chips on my way to Plato's Closet -- I decided to give the NEW Google Plus a try. Maybe it's awesome now!


Maybe not.

First, as I try to use new Google Plus, I should admit that I'm very confused already by the product. I'm not sure if this is Alphabet's fault or my own. It basically seems like a combo of Tumblr and Facebook's formats. On the right side of the screen is apparently a list of people Alphabet has pulled from my Gmail account? Which makes me uncomfortable, because I really have no idea who they are. Do you want to reconnect with that Sociology professor you emailed once because you forgot to turn in your homework? NOW'S YOUR CHANCE!

I must have chosen "entertainment" or something when I signed up (it happened so fast), because my "feed" is composed entirely of posts from Entertainment Weekly and US Weekly. Did you guys know that the My Little Pony movie "will be galloping into theaters November 2017"? I do, because I'm on the new-and-improved Google Plus. 

Then there are Collections, which is supposedly, like, the main idea behind new Google Plus. They're essentially groups of people who like the same thing -- Adam Sandler, ballpoint pens, Elven languages. In other words, it's a way for Google to easily sell ads. On my page, the "Featured Collections" are "Top End Plant Porn" and "Molecular Biology." They know how to grab a 25-year-old male's attention. 

But wait, there's also this thing called Communities, and they seem a lot like Collections. Maybe Communities meet to discuss -- and maybe trade!? -- Collections? Or maybe that's not how it works at all. Yeah, I don't think that's how it works at all. 

There are tabs for a number of things at the top: Friends, Family, Mentions, etc. Then there's a drop-down arrow with some other things. I clicked on something and now it's asking me to verify that I'm the owner of a Taco Bell in New York. I think I did something wrong. Alphabet is selling the new Google Plus as "simpler," but it's still not simple enough for me. 

I'm going to X-out now with no plans of returning, and just chalk this up as another way for Alphabet to maybe make some extra advertising dollars on the side, while obtaining some additional valuable personal information on all of us in the meantime -- until they eventually tire out, fire some people they claim are responsible for the failure, and correctly direct their attention to self-driving cars and other things that actually matter

My feeling is that people are already stretched enough as it is, social media-wise. If you're going to start a new social media platform, it should probably be aimed at teens -- and good luck getting them away from Snapchat, my goodness. Facebook Inc (NASDAQ:FB) is just crushing it right now, and no one is going to beat them at their own game. And I personally have no motivation to join another social media site, when I can already launch uninformed political attacks at distant family members on FB and Twitter Inc (NYSE:TWTR) right now. 

But, like I said earlier, Alphabet Inc (NASDAQ:GOOGL) is a smart company, maybe the smartest -- I'm sure the people there know a little more than me. That's probably why the stock has added about 43% in 2015 to trade at $758.73. So don't be surprised when the product takes off and the next teenager ignoring you is doing so by updating their Google Plus status, if that's even what's it's called. ("This guy I'm talking to doesn't even have any Collections. Psh, what a loser.")

In other news, Doritos Locos will be BOGO at my newly owned Taco Bell this Saturday. 

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